Lovemionline

Dear Jeiry and Gonzo,

Tengo un problemita. I am about to turn 21 on the 26th of this month...i met this guy and he is so romantic and sweet and I even opened up to him about some very personal things that have occurred in my life, we've been hitting it off great. I met him @ a salsa club here in San Antonio, TX.  He said he was 28 @ the time. Here we are 3wks later & I find out he's 35..that’s a huge age diff. I swear he looks 28ish. Este hombre tiene cara de bebe, but a beautiful heart and look on life.  Should I stay or should I go?  He's 14yrs older than me!! :-/

Sincerely,

Problemita

Dear Problemita,

My first gut reaction is that you go. Let’s think about this for a minute. Right now you are 20 years old and this guy is 35 (and not the 28 he originally told you, so he’s older and a liar). That is an enormous age gap. I understand that older guys have a certain appeal to them like stability, maturity, good credit, and maybe even their own home.  But you guys are an entire generation apart!  He will know and remember things from a time before you were even born (so that means in 95’, when he was 20, while he was listening to "Gangsta’s Paradise", you were droolin and poopin on yourself) and you will probably have interest in things that are great for you, but annoying to him (like For the Love of Ray J or Jersey Shore).  Not to say there haven’t been relationships like this before. It’s just that it makes things difficult for the both of you.

One thing to consider will be your social habits. You may want to go out all the time; he may not. And if he does want to go out, he’s going to be the old man of the group. That’s not fair to him. Unless he’s cool with it, it may feel a little bit weird. On the flipside, if you go out with him and his friends, you’re going to look like a trophy girl or a gold digger. Not that you are, but perception can be a bitch. If neither of you care about those things, then who am I to say yay or nay?  Just like any relationship, it’s only you two in it. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. You guys may be the next great “Spring –Late Summer/Early Fall relationship.”

Speaking of which, I know of a relationship that’s somewhat like yours. One of my wife’s friends is about 30 years old and her husband is somewhere closer to 50. She’s a black female, very young looking, model-esque, and tall. He’s white, short, stocky, with a bit of a belly, balding and English. They look like a total odd couple, but they have two beautiful kids together and live quite happily. I asked them about their experiences one night at dinner and they told me that they get “funny looks” and it’s usually of disbelief, but that they don’t care.  I hope that my little story here gives you some hope. I wish you the best of luck and please, write us back in a few weeks and give us an update on your dating experiences.

Cojelo con take it easy,

Rich

Well put Rich! You hit all the concerns I had when I read about this predicament. Now here are my two cents...

Bueno Problemita, I too know someone who met someone where there was a big age gap. One of my best friends met a man when we were in college. She was almost 21 years old (just like you!) and he was 32. The difficulties Gonzo speaks of (uncommon interests, awkwardness when with friends, funny looks) were all there. He didn't like hanging out with any of her peeps because he felt we were all young and immature. And let's face it, we were.  She did marry him, however, and they have a beautiful child together. But they are now also divorced. Divorce happens often but my friend did tell me that the age gap was a factor. He thought his opinions and advice were above hers because he had more life experience, and no matter how old she was (they were divorced right before she turned 30) he always treated her like the young girl he met, not the woman she'd become.

So should you stay or should you go?  I can’t tell you either way. My only advice to you is to look at what it is you want right now. Does it correlate with what he wants? A man at 36 usually wants to get married and have kids soon. If your relationship gets to that level, will you be ready at only 20 going on 21? The fact that you came to us for advice is a pretty good indication that you like this guy a lot and this isn't just a fun fling for you. So you better tread carefully and make sure you know what you want and that he can provide it and vice versa. Oh, and the fact that he lied about his age is a bit of a red flag. They say the dynamic of a relationship and the way a couple relates to each other never really changes. Just think about it…

P.S. For the Love of Ray J and The Jersey Shore knows no age! I am 31 and love those shows!

Love strongly and wisely,

Jeiry